Friday, March 18, 2011

Lonliness is an ugly word and an even uglier reality.

Graduation is 6 1/2 weeks away which means moving from Oxford is not far behind. For some reason I still can not shake the loneliness that comes from being here. It really is the first time in my 30 years of life that I have moved to a place that I know no one. I am married of course, so that helps. My goodness, without Chris I would have been completely lost. But then again, I would have never moved to a place for the sake of moving without knowing a soul there. I know that now. I use to believe I was adventurous and I would just end up in a random city in some random part of the country or world. I have found out that maybe I really do want to be closer to home surrounded by my family and the friends I've had for years.

I've learned so much about myself here despite everything I'm feeling. I realized that I actually like school and I like learning. Honestly, I found out that I like to read. I've never been an avid reader at all but I have found that I really enjoy the knowledge and the insight that comes from reading. I still believe that school isn't for everyone but I can now say that it is for me despite all my doubts before. I let my own pain from previous experience dictate all my ideas about education and college. Hind site is...well....

Another thing I learned is that I really do care about the world and the people in it. If you really knew me you might think otherwise as I rant about "idiots" and the occasional comments of why certain people don't deserve the air they breathe. What can I say? I have a touch of anger management issues but I'm fully aware of that and work is being done. I think.

One of the main problems is that I see weaknesses in others that I myself have or have had and I find myself despising them for it. I know that's not logical or fair but it's the reaction I have learned to have or maybe I've taught myself to have. Basically, everyone is less smart and less awesome than me or so my brain tells me. Now don't think for a second that means that I'm thriving with confidence because that's just another story all in itself. But when someone cuts me off in traffic they should get the horn honked at them, a few foul words that they can't even hear, and lots of hand gestures. All of this because they made a mistake AND... I'm an excellent driver, of course.
I see a massive coronary in my future.
Which brings me to the point, how can they say that men die sooner than women due to stress? Chris is going to outlive me by at least 10 years.

I just can't shake the feeling that God is mad at me. (And here goes the pity party.) I mean, I feel like I have spent my life reaching out to people and trying to 'fix' people and now that I need a "helping hand" I just see 90 pound sorority girls, frat guys that brag about how much alcohol they can inhale, and adults that are too busy rubbing elbows with the "important people" in this town to care about anything else. I'm sure this is a cynical, slanted view but it's a lot of what I'm working with here. Where are the normal people is all I'm thinking? You know, the people that like to hang out, that don't have any drama, and just can have a conversation about life? In this part of my little world I don't think they exist. And don't get me wrong, it can't be all God's fault since I don't really know if I've tried as hard as I could. I guess I could have reached out in some way or joined some club and just sucked up the fact that I'm a decade older than everyone there. But see, I couldn't get past the anger of just automatically not liking them. Also, the anger of having to try that hard. I know. I have issues.
Mainly I get tired of rejection but then again, who really likes being made to feel like their an alien from another world?

I get on a path that is seemingly good and wonderful things begin to happen but there's always something that I'm not quite happy with. Part of me says that that's a good thing since that will compel me to keep growing and keep evolving into the person I want to be. Of course, there's the slight chance that I think I'm moving in a productive direction at the same time I'm really on a crash course to nowhere-ville. I'm mad at myself for not being able to just do it all easily. I get so frustrated to balance having great grades, maintaining a healthy lifestyle and healthy marriage. Soon that will be different and I will be balancing a job into the mix that is more demanding than school in a sense because I will have to show up and work 8 to 10 hours a day no matter what else is going on in my life.

Life seems to be this constant struggle of jumping through hoops to get the satisfaction you want all the while trying to stay sane. I'm told and I believe in the idea that we are forever supposed to be growing but I find that notion incredibly difficult when at some point I want to be 'happy' with who I am. First I have to deal with the fact that I'm not perfect while also trying to become better and also feel good about myself despite my flaws, all at the same time. Boy, that's tiring!

In saying that, I'm working on this issue of feeling "alone". Although difficult at times I am always wanting to move forward to the next thing and overcome feelings of frustration that I feel. If I don't, I am swallowed up in my own self loathing and well, I just can't be defeated that way. If my role in this life is to be the care-giver and the listener and the helper, then maybe those things are what I should focus on. I can't change the actions or reactions that people have. I can only change my part of the equation and that's what I'm working towards, dropping the anger and lending consideration and patience...lots of patience!

I don't have the answers but I know I feel different after all the changes that have happened the past few years. I know I am better for everything that has happened good and bad because it keeps me looking for answers and it strengthens my abilities to seek after those answers. I have to force myself to look at the bigger picture, "the forest" and quit knit-picking through the details of the "trees". The small details can be so easily distracting.

The winds of change are blowing yet again and all the possibilities in the world are upon me. Good-bye to self-loathing, loneliness, and anger! I can't wait to take on the next part of this journey and write another chapter to my life.

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