The times I have been angry at God, I know it had nothing to do with God. My emotions were all out of control. I have blamed God for everything that could have gone wrong in my life. He gets the blame for sickness, divorce, murder, war, death, etc. I mean, I’ve always been told that God could intervene. God could stop anything, right? My emotions tell me that’s the way it’s supposed to be but logic says God has a plan that I don’t understand and may never understand in my lifetime or ever. God doesn’t answer to me though. God is…God. I am owed nothing for this life I have. If I truly am a Christian then I believe that he sent his son to take away the responsibility that was mine. Do I have questions about that? Of course! But I have questions about a lot of things. I mean, we live on a planet that is in constant motion beneath our feet and out in a large void around a big ball of fire. If the big ball of fire dies, we all die. Who thought of that plan? But the better question is, how can I not have questions about that? I can tell people “It’s easy to understand. God made everything!” and then that’s the end. BUT, even if that is the answer, I don’t get why more people aren’t amazed by how BIG and amazing our planet truly is. How everything works so beautifully together, even if we are destroying that rhythm. God. Why did he give us such an amazing place to live that is so full of question and wonder? How do we defend it and defend Him if we’re people who believe?
The only answer that comes to mind is love. That may sound corny or like the typical answer but it’s the only one I can come up with. I, myself, am awful sometimes at just loving, especially when people are in my way. If I’m running late, having a bad day, have a headache or just need to complain about how out of shape I feel, I don’t want to hear someone else’s issues. I know that sounds awful and harsh, but I think others would agree with me. My job requires me daily to find strength somewhere within me to put all my “junk” aside and listen to others, even when they may be lying just to get something for free. I beat myself up because in my mind I’m thinking “If Jesus were standing beside me right now, would he approve of my actions?” My hope is that he would be proud of my effort even if I don’t get it right all the time. “E” for effort. I don’t know if God works on that grading system. Hmmmm… Maybe “F” for forgiveness. That’s more like it.
I’ve been very discouraged by how other Christians are representing all Christians. My opinion, I think they’re doing it all wrong. Of course! This club, this Christian group, seems to be excluding people. What?! That has nothing to do with love and it certainly doesn’t cover the forgiveness department. What about grace. “By the grace of God, I am what I am. 1 Corinthians 15:10” I am supposed to be accepting, loving and welcoming. I only exist by the grace of God. I’m no better than the un-bathed schizophrenic screaming at the sky or the guy that lies to get money to buy crack. Why? Because I have sinned. I am sinful. If I could just remember that. Not sit around wrecked with guilt and wanting to kill myself but if I could just remember, everyone is just like me. They are sinful, broken, lost and hoping for something better. Just like me, they want a loving, graceful, forgiving God that they know is there in the background taking care of business.
Of course, like most things, I’ve blamed God for the way other people perceive him. They kicked me out and told me I was wrong, not good enough, not worthy of the things in my life that I have and I’ve believed them and in that process, jaded myself towards a God that wants nothing more than to love me. People, their actions, their thoughts and perceptions have influenced my relationship with My God. These are the same people that God says to love. What a tough balance. I’m not giving up though. Challenges are my strength. I want to love people because I LOVE my God because I can honestly say, I couldn’t love them just being me.
I love my God because every time I try not to, he reminds me that he’s there. He reminds me that my job is NOT to fight with others about chicken nuggets and their right to eat them or not eat them, but my job is to love everyone that does or does not eat chicken nuggets. He reminds me that as a Christian, my job is not to kick the losers out for the path they have chosen that causes me to call them a loser. He reminds me he is with me, even when I tell Him to go away. He reminds me he is proud of my efforts to help, even when I’m not perfect. He reminds me I’m not perfect and that’s okay because he reminds me about forgiveness. My job is to love the unlovable because I am the unlovable. My job is to meet people where they are and welcome them when others don’t. My job is to form my own perceptions of a God that knows me inside and out and loves me anyway.